Thursday, 7 July 2016

today was a bad day

Well, today was a bad day, from start to finish. I couldn't sleep, then when I finally drifted off, I got up late, I wore the most uncomfortable underwear to work and then a big ball of nails decided to give me no warning and start playing around in my stomach. Okay so ill explain a little more for my none regular readers...

I suffer from anxiety, I have done since I was around 14 years old...14 years later I still have it. Now its not always there, but when it is, it sneaks up with no warning whatsoever! How rude! I do not know what causes it, or why I get it, I am still trying to put my finger on what triggers it, but for now, I just gotta live with it, when it decided it's gonna surprise me. 

So today, I'm working away and the next thing I knew, I felt sick. I felt as though something was churning sharp nails in my stomach, I say stomach but its kinda below my ribs and above my belly button. Anyhoo. Fight or flight kicked in. I practised the tapping method, a few times, did it help? No. If you are unfamiliar with the tapping method, click here. I made a sugary drink to try and calm my nerves, still nothing. Luckily enough, a few minutes later, I had a meeting with my mangers and told them that my anxiety was going crazy lately and as soon as I said it, I felt a huge release, as though the anxiety pains had just vanished. Then as I am keeping my mind busy with work, it went again. See, I know a few people who suffer from anxiety, where it really effects them in the workplace, but my anxiety doesn't effect how I work in the slightest. It makes me want to stay busy!

So back at my desk, keeping busy, I had to keep running the toilet. My stomach felt like it was going into spasms. Anyone who's anyone knows that anxiety and bowls do not go well. So I'm literally running the toilet every twenty minutes and I swear that if I haven't lost weight in the morning, Ill fume! haha, if you didn't laugh you'd cry right? 

Okay so I'm going for toilet breaks, then I tried mindfulness on my break but as I work in an office. its hard to get that quiet time. So on my break, I was telling a friend in work how bad I felt and I couldn't put my finger on it. Then I cried. Yep, I cried. Not because I was scared, I know I have to live with this. However the pains that come with this burst of anxiety, I have never felt pain like it. That's when it made me panic. My breathing got shorter and quicker, my body was sweating. Its hard to try and explain what an anxiety attack is like. For me, the pains come, the sick feeling under my ribs, and then in my throat. I am swallowing and swallowing and swallowing trying to catch my breath. It is as though someone has tied bricks to your legs, and threw you into a pool. You try and swim to the top but you can't and your being submerged in the water and can't breath. That's what it feels like...kinda. It feels like a hundred voices are going round in your head, holding eye contact? That's a no go. Your going round and round in your head a million and one feelings and your trying to figure out why, why now, why me? What is making me feel like this!?!? I'm scratching my skin, I'm pulling on my hair bobble and crossing over my legs a hundred and one times. It feels like hours have passed, but then you check the time and your still in the same minute. That's what it feels like. 

Now what I am really good at, is hiding how bad I feel. You get used to putting on a smile or putting on a brave face but on the inside, you just wanna curl under your blanket and have a cuddle. A few years ago, I used to feel so embarrassed about letting people know I had anxiety. However since my accident, I have become used to having the mind set of 'if you don't like me, screw you'. I also find by talking about it, I meet so many other people who have it too! I love giving advice to others and methods to try and get through it. 

So today wasn't a good day. It resulted in me going to see a professional and asking for help. Am I ashamed of this? Nope. I'm I glad that it happened? Well yeah, I am glad because I know I got through it. 

For anyone suffering with anxiety, depressions, invisible illness, chronic pain, know that you are not alone, we can get through this! 

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