Sunday, 28 December 2014

Hitting. Rock. Bottom.

Hey guys. Hannah here.
Last week, I hit rock bottom. So much so that I had to take a visit to the local mental health hospital.
My anxiety has been quite crazy the past 10 months. I have had lots of up days but double the amount of crazy days. However last Monday destroyed me.
I'm an average 20 something gal still finding myself. Wanting to travel and see the world while wanting my own house/family/career RIGHT NOW and not a second too late! haha.
The past year has been a roller coaster. From gaining three beautiful babies in my family and friendship circle, having a life changing operation, going from job to job and I guess, staying sane!
In the past, I have wrote a few posts on my anxiety/depression but never really got right into it. However waking up today made me realise...

There has been an array of disagreements in my family lately, and those come head to head on Monday. A few good points I can say about myself are that I am a kind, caring and passionate individual that would never say anything deliberate to hurt anyone.
On Monday, a few home truths came out. In a family disagreement I said out loud everything I had to say. As I said it, my heart was pounding do hard that i thought it was going to come through my chest! The tears where streaming and my voice was trembling. Although all these words where coming out, I felt like I was having a heart attack.
That's when it happened.
I started having an anxiety/panic attack.
As much as I tried, I could not catch my breath. It was though I was drowning because I couldn't get any air! My heart felt as thought it was literally pounding through my chest and my body was shaking so hard that it hurt.
I just remember sitting there staring into space, trying to get my body to stop shaking and listen to what my Mum and sister where trying to tell me to help me calm down.
It was such a crazy feeling to not have control over your own body. I even had to force myself to blink. Crazy right?
I was sobbing. I had all these horrendous thoughts going round my head. Even to the point of wanting to hurting myself or just take my whole pack of medication I am on to just end my life. It would be so much easier that way, no anxiety, no problems anymore right?
A long while after my attack, I rang my Doctors surgery for an emergency appointment. They had none until the evening but I just knew I could not wait that long. So I asked my Mum to take my to the surgery, I just didn't trust myself in the house. 
My Doctor seen me within twenty minutes. As soon as I sat down in the room I bawled out everything. I even made him shut the window because I thought someone was going to climb through it and attack me. Crazy right?
My Doctor who had seen me five days previously said I looked like a different person. He talked me through how I was feeling, what had happened and rang a number called 'the crisis line'.
Now I have heard about them before. 'But I'm not crazy!' I told him.
He explained that he knew I wasn't crazy however these people where trained a lot more than he was on anxiety/depression and mental health. I agreed to meet with them.
The place I had to go to was in the hospital ground of which my Doctors is based, handy I know!
I had also heard about this place before. 
'Fuck.' I though as I entered the reception area.
On arrival, I was greeted by a guy called Dave, who would be assessing me and trying to help me I guess! He was a light hearted 50 something year old with a funny/caring nature about him.
He took me into one of the room to have a chat about my 'breakdown'. On the way to the room, he had to lock and unlock doors and open others with passes. He must of seen the expression on my face and said laughing 'don't worry, you are leaving here today'.
As we arrived into the room, he started with basic questions about how I was feeling.
Every emotion/event that had every triggered a negative feeling came flooding out and I sobbed and sobbed.
He was so easy going and didn't look at me like I was crazy and just listened and interrupted at the right time.
He told me that when I visited the Doctor five days ago, the medication I was on then needed a two week weaning off period. However I had been swapped from drug A to drug B straight away so NO WONDER I was having these crazy thoughts a breakdown!
He cut the bullshit out straight away and told me that he wanted me to start a weekly programme of coming to see him. We wouldn't do none of those breathing exercises or CBT etc. We would actually get rid of all the problems.
I walked out of there feeling avlot better than I went it!
The past 6 days have been less of a struggle. Apart from the medication giving me constant carb cravings, weight gain, dry mouth and knocking me out cold of a night, I'd like to say I am coping. I go back to see Dave for my first real session tomorrow at midday and to be completely honest, I can't wait! 

To anyone that is sat reading this with any type of negative thought going through your head, there IS help out there! I would hate the fact that someone who hasn't been as strong as me and wanting to get better was too scared, anxious to get help.
I am not a healer or medically trained in Any way to help others suffering from 'mental illness' but I am a listening ear and will help you by any means.

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