Sunday, 16 November 2014

What.IS.WRONG.WITH.ME?!?!?


Happy Sunday everyone! 


Well, I have not been blogging, tweeting, doing ANYTHING involving social networking for sooooo long! A while ago, I wrote a post on how I had been feeling lately with my anxiety. Since then, things got ten times worse! 

I have always suffered with anxiety but manged to keep it under control most of the time. However one day, there was this big, black, ugly looking cloud pushing its way back over my head. No matter what I did, I could NOT get rid of it. I tried self help groups, books, taking things out of my diet/life and nope, you got it, NOTHING would get rid of this cloud! 

A typical day for me would be waking up at 6:30am, feeling as though I was going to throw up because of all this pain in my tummy. By the time I had got out of bed and put my dressing gown on, a million and one things had gone round and round in my head. From scenarios and irrational thoughts, to events that had upset me in my childhood! In the space of 2 minutes? It was and still is CRAZY! What is wrong with me!?! How can I fix this? 

7am-Okay, maybe if I have something to eat it will stop me from having tummy (anxiety) pains. By the time I had got to the kitchen from upstairs, I had thought what happens if I eat scrambled egg? What if I burp in work and everyone thinks I'm gross? What if I eat a piece of toast and put weight on? I get weight in WW the next day! 

7:30-Oh no, I have to get ready for work. I look FAT and ugly in everything! No one will talk to me because of this. What can I wear? What if I say something I shouldn't in work...What if this happens? What if that happens? Oh my gosh, I just can't go in. Then the texts to my boyfriend, sister and Mum. I just can't go in. The the panic attacks would start. 

8:20-Sat in the car park at work. I have felt like I have needed to throw up the whole journey and my hands are shaking getting out the car. I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't do this. 

8:30-I'm in work. My head is going a million miles an hour, with worrying, panicking, wanting to cry... WHY DO I FEEL LIKE THIS!!!!!

5pm- I arrived home from work....Anxiety has gone... oh my goodness it's gone! 

5:20pm- Nope, here it is. GREAT. 

8:30pm- I'll just go to bed, maybe if I sleep it will go. 

11pm- Woke up, no still there. 

2:30am- Woke up....is it there? Here come the pains. 

4:00am- What if this happens today? oh my goodness what if I go to town and someone attacks me! Hannah, your not going to town today. 

6:30am The whole process starts again! 


Now, looking back on this, no wonder my mental state was exhausted all the time! The amount of thoughts, scenarios, role plays I done in my head where more than I was capable doing in a year of my life! Enough was enough. I sent myself the doctors, I couldn't go on living like this, especially in my head! 

I arrived at the Doctors thinking Am I doing the right thing? I sat in the waiting room and started to have a panic attack. It was awful. Then my name got called. I couldn't get out my seat I felt that scared. Then it got called again. I got up and walked to the room. A lovely male doctor greeted me. I hadn't seen him before so was a little nervous. As soon as he asked me what the problem was, I burst into tears. I told him EVERYTHING. Everything I was feeling, what was going on in my life and everything that I had been thinking. I was waiting for him to section me or do something! But he poured me a glass of water and made conversation light hearted. He recommended a prescription of anxiety tablets, which would take the edge of my attacks and feeling sick/panicky. I agreed we would start on these. When walking out of the Doctors, I felt so relived! I had spilt my guts to an absolute stranger and felt as though I could BREATH! 

Now I am not saying these tablets are miracle workers! I still had anxiety for a good month later and still do! But they do help. I have managed to go on a night out and visit friends a few time, something I haven't been able to do in months! THEY ARE YOUR FRIENDS! Some people might say. I know they are  my friends however the place I have been in I just haven't felt comfortable stepping out the door! 

I am doing a lot better than to where I was a few months ago. I still have my wobbles and my little panics, however I'm on the way. If reading this makes at least one person feel slightly better and hopeful about their anxiety, I would be delighted. 



Hannah Rosalie 

xox
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