Monday, 24 November 2014

Monday Madness.

Hiii Everyone! 

I am writing this with a cup of tea next to me and the most awful headache!
Today has been the worst Monday ever and looking back, it wasn't THAT bad I guess...

I started this morning great, perfect actually. I had a morning cup of tea with my boyfriend whilst getting ready. Seen him off to work, then got my remaining bits ready for my day. Then 'knock, knock, knock', oh yes, here came the anxiety. 
I knew it was here for the day because I looked in the mirror and I looked disgusting. In my head my thoughts went crazy.
'You should of spent more time on your makeup!'.
'You should NOT have put that dress on for work'.
'No one will talk to you because you are not pretty enough today'.
Yadda, yadda, yadda. 

I got in the car and drove to work. I had ALL the intention of walking but since I looked that bad I thought, 'oh walking not going to do any good anyway'.

I got to work (I have just started working in a new school, this is my third week) fifteen minutes early. I asked the other teachers if there was anything they needed a hand with or help and was told 'no' or 'I've done everything'. So I thought hmm I will go and make myself a drink. As I got to the staff room, it was full of people nattering away. I got to the doorway with my flask and just could not go in. It was madness. I turned back round and went back in the classroom. Looking back now I think WHY did I not go in?

The rest of the morning I felt like a spare part really. I had no jobs to do (I have not been given a specific job role or duties) and everyone seemed to be busy. I just felt useless. 

Lunch time went okay. I sat in the staff room and tried to join in conversation but I just couldn't. I answered when I was spoken to and tried to make light hearted jokes but no one seemed interested as I think I'm seen as 'the new one'. I walked into the toilet and had my lunch there. Yep, I ate my lunch in the toilet. After my lunch, all I could see was this big fat mess staring at me in the bathroom. I literally don't know why my boyfriend is with me sometimes, I really don't. 

Since starting my job, I haven't received a contract, stating my exact wage, information of my employer, etc. This has been playing on my mind quite a lot. I have felt like I NEED to know this information but haven't had the courage to ask? I tweeted a few times how anxious I felt about it and got so much support from you all! A twitter friend convinced me to get the courage to ask.

So at the end of the day I walked in the office and I was literally trembling. I asked 'Could I have a few minutes please?'
I basically just said 'I am not sure if I have to sign a contract or?'.
They replied 'oh yes thank you for the friendly reminder, we will get that done'.

And that was that. All it took was a few little words and I had my answer, well sort of. 

From a build up of anxiety, panic, fear and self conciousness, I can honestly say I have had a shit day but the littlest of reasons. Does anyone else feel as though little events that happen become bigger and bigger inside their head? 

Hannah Rosalie
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